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A Better Version of Me

by Rainer Maria

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1.
No one defies artificial light. Simultaneous sitting ‘til you atrophy. Maybe you try to be pretty instead of kind. Why is this technology an anathema to me? If I could just breathe it out… I could always breathe back in. I’ll cut all your wires. I never cared. Cut all your wires. What can be there? It’s dead. And all the invisible arcs are caught in my head.
2.
I’m not the way I thought I was. It was starting to feel like the worst of times. I’ve got to choose sides. Am I wicked? Am I right? Or am I just reacting all the time? I’m not the way I thought I was. I was starting to see all the worst in life. I’ve got to lose sight of their pompous, boring lies. I was starting to think I couldn’t fight. I’ve got to fight! Just not in the way I once thought right.
3.
Ceremony 04:20
The body has got to be worth saving. Eyelids are shining with headache and perspiration. Morning is finding good intentions under sleep’s persuasion. The body has got to be… Our past lives were too heaving and too expensive. Now we’re paying together for our inventions. Maybe there’s a ceremony written down inside the body where maybe no one ever sees. You begin like a lion and you end like a lamb. Molars are grinding inspiration down to nothing. Where are the instructions on how to keep it going? The body… A patient motor in secret is whirring, binding together what was broken with the heart’s string. To have without keeping. To sigh without boredom. To know without thinking. And to love without ever knowing. Maybe there’s a ceremony written down inside the body, where maybe no one ever sees.
4.
I want to see your goodness around me. But it’s got the properties of water – transparent as glass. Your goodness is coiled like a fist, holed up in the back of the attic, crouched like a cat. You said I look like a stone sinking. But I am a constellation cut out in the sky. And if I have stopped burning will you know in your lifetime? And should I feel cold and far? And should I feel weightless? I imagine safety in the star. ‘Cause you make so many wishes. Do you ever hear what the stars are saying to you?
5.
Save My Skin 05:12
I’ll find a way to save my skin. That precious way it holds me in reminds you of holy days you once believed in. Please don’t stop. There’s something new stirring up the elements under the surface. The first thing I want to do is to overcome my temperament. Let the arrow find its purpose. There is the eloquence and there is the difference between what is said and what is never said. The first thing I want to do is to champion the tenderness I once believed in . Please don’t stop. Tried to be a materialist ‘til I was treated like simple flesh. Tried to mention all my sins but I didn’t know where to begin. Should I forget them? Or should I let them begin again?
6.
At the time of his assassination: Two pairs of spectacles, a lens polisher, a pocket knife, a watch fob, a linen handkerchief, a brown leather wallet containing five dollars in confederate money and nine newspaper clippings. That there is Walt Whitman’s pen. It sat in his hand and drank ink and Whitman lay upstairs and watched the trains, fascinated by the big engines. Me, I’m just anxious. Lincoln struck at the back of the head as if by a velvet curtain. His body lists and folds, creased at the hip, and rolls to the floor beside his shoes. The light’s gone out, but even now he’s radiating heat. These relics rise like steam and each disseminates, encircling like a halo down. Trajectory of a common crowd, simmering. Slammed to the back of your head. You’ve never been hit before. How can you deal with that kind of information? Slammed to your chest, like a curtain hits the floor. How can you deal with that kind of information?
7.
Atropine 06:34
Have you got any magic tricks that will work for me? ‘Cause my baby is in the ground. And she won’t come back now. The lights in the sky are practically blue hot white. The light in my eye is so sharp it cuts the blue right out. Have you got any magic tricks that will work for me? I don’t suppose there’s anything at all in that bag of yours for me. ‘Cause my baby is in the ground. And she’s not coming back now.
8.
On the inside of you and I, burning out our true desires with spit and fire. Open up your chest. Put my hand inside. It’s dishwater warm, smooth as porcelain, and it flakes away like red rust. Take those lazy drugs away. Turn to me instead. I’m dishwater warm, smooth as porcelain, and I’ll flake away like red rust. Everything expires. Tonite there’s no denying. Even you and I will die, so why are we hesitating? Knowing that you’ve opened up yourself to me is no victory. But a consolation prize will suffice tonight. Everything expires. Tonight there’s no denying. Maybe you and I should try all the things we are too scared to try.
9.
I’ve seen the girl who’ll pick up where I leave off. She’s already smoothing her hands for the pictures. I’ve seen her sorting through my memories. What’s sweet? What’s bitter? She wants what I can’t give her. I’ve seen the girl who’ll chew up what I bite off. She’s devising a better mouth just to kiss you. Any minute I’ll have to surrender to her wishes. What to take and what to set free? I wonder if she’ll miss me. I’ve seen the girl who’ll be brave when I run off. She’s been picking her fights like she knows how to win them. And I’ve seen her sorting through my memories. What’s sweet? What’s bitter? She wants what I can’t give her. And every time I try to get out of her way, the day’s full of kids giving you the finger and speeders gonna kill you on your tiny street. She wants to beat through all the hell and high water threatening what she believes. That’s when I know I should just drop everything and let her sing, she’s a better version of me. I’ve seen the girl who’ll remember what I’ve lost. She has never forgotten a name or a punch line. She is the one that I have chosen. I’m lost, but she’s found a better way to get ‘round. I tell myself you’re not a fool.

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released January 23, 2001

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Rainer Maria Brooklyn, New York

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